Break - Up

چلو پھر سے محبّت کرتے ہیں 

تھوڑا سا وقت گنواتے ہیں. 

پھر دنیا کو جلاتے ہیں،

مرتے اور مٹ جاتے ہیں.

پھر سے پیمان باندھتے ہیں 

ایک دوسرے میں کھو جاتے ہیں 

چلو پھر سے ساتھ چلتے ہیں 

قدموں پر ساۓ ڈھونڈتے ہیں.

چلو پھر سے محبّت کرتے ہیں 

اور 

پھر سے جدا ہوجاتے ہیں.

Chalo phir se muhabbat karte hain,
Thor'ra sa waqt ganwate hain.
Phir dunya ko jalate hain,
Martay aur mit jatay hain.

Phir se peimaan bandhte hain,
Ek dusre main kho jatay hain.

Chalo phir se saath chalte hain,
Qadmon per saaye dhond'te hain

Chalo phir se muhabbat karte hain,
Aur,
Phir se judaa hojate hain.

Bano B..

February 21, 2011

3:30 p.m.

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نسل

میں بہت سکون سے اپنی ٹھنڈی چائے آہستہ آہستہ پی رہی تھی جب اس نئے کہا کہ میرا اک بیٹا ہے اور میری بِیوِی دوسری بار امید سے ہے . عمومی  طور پر میں 
لوگوں کی ذاتیات سے ذرا فاصلہ رکھتی ہوں لیکن ہم دونوں اجنبی ہیں اور وقت گزار رہے تھے . 

اجنبی ہونے کا فائدہ یہ ہے کے دو لوگ آپس میں بنا کسی فائدے نقصان کے اک دوسرے سے وہ بھی کہہ دیتے ہیں جو خود سے بھی نہیں کہتے .

پِھر اس نے چند جملوں میں اپنی زندگی بیان کرنے کی کوشش کی کہ کیسے والدین کی مرضی کے آگے اسکو سر جھکنا پڑا. اسکا رشتہ کاغذی ہے لیکن دنیا کو دکھانے کے لئے "دو بچے خوشحال گھرانہ" بھی ہے.

پھر اس کے جانے کا وقت آگیا. 

وہ تو چلا گیا لیکن میں نے اک کپ چائے کا اور منگوایا  اور اس کے ٹھنڈے ہونے تک سوچتی رہی، "کیا یہ ٹھیک ہے؟"

میں نے بہت عرصے تک اپنی چھوٹی بہن کو یہ کہہ کر رلایا ستایا کے امی ابو اسکو کے کچرے کے ڈبے سے لائے ہیں کیوں کے وہ وہاں اکیلی رو رہی تھی . جب بڑے ہوئے تو پتہ چلا کہہ نسل آدَم کی افزائش کیسے ہوتی ہے اور اس کے کئی سال بعد اس سے جڑے بہت سارے سوال پیدا ہوئے . ان تمام سوالوں میں پہلا سوال یہ تھا کے کیا بنا محبت کے آپ کسی کے بچے کی ماں یا باپ بن سکتے ہیں ؟ 

اِس سوال کے جواب میں مجھے شاید صرف مجبوریاں اور مجبور رشتے ملیں!

آپ خود یا آپ کے آس پاس ایسے رشتوں کی بہتات ہوگی جہاں اولاد محبّت کا نہیں بلکہ باپ کی تھکن اور ماں کی مجبوری کا نتیجہ ہوتی ہے. 

بر صغیر اک ایسا معاشرہ  ہے جہاں لڑکا لڑکی کا شادی سے پہلے ملنا کچھ معیوب  سی بات سمجھی جاتی ہے یا  یوں کہہ لیا  جائے کہہ ان کا ملنا اب تک تسلیم نہیں کیا گیا . والدین اِس خوش فہمی میں رہتے ہیں کے انکی اولاد اگر گھر سے باہر نکلے گی تو کسی انسانی کشش کا شکار نہیں ہوگی . 

انہی روایت پر چلتے ہوئے ہم تمام عمر اپنی لڑکیوں کو سکھاتے ہیں کےاجنبیوں سے، نامحرم سے فاصلہ رکھو لیکن پِھر اسی لڑکی کو اچانک سے نکاح پڑھوا کر اک اجنبی کے ساتھ راتیں گزارنے بھیج دیتے ہیں. کچھ تو ایسے بھی رشتے ہوتے ہیں کہ ساری عمر جس کو بھیا پکارا اسکو خاندان والوں  نے ملکر بھیا سے سیّاں کا درجہ دے ڈالا. 

  

لڑکوں کو بھی انکے والدین یہی کچھ سکھاتے ہیں کے تمہاری بِیوِی تمہیں نسل دے گی اور ہمارا نام آگے بڑھاے گی . اسی لیے ہمارے مرد فیصلوں کے کچے واقع ہوئے ہیں کیوں کے ان میں خوف ہوتا ہے اگر یہ اچھی ماں نا بنی  وغیرہ وغیرہ.

کوئی شادی اگر ہچکولے کھارہی ہو تو پہلا مشورہ "بس اولاد کرلو" کا دیا جائے گا جیسے پہلی جنگ عظیم سے لے کر داعیش تک ہر مسلۓ کا حل بچہ پیدا کرنا ہو. 

غرض اک مکمل اور بھرپور رشتے کا محور جسمانی ضروریات کو ٹھرا دیا جاتا ہے!

تو آپ شادی تک تو پہنچ گئے ؟

 لیکن نہیں . میں چاہتی ہوں آپ ذرا پیچھے جا ئیں اور دوبارہ سے سوچیں لیکن مختلف . 

ہم سب جانتے ہیں کے جب بچہ اپنی ماں کے بطن میں ہوتا ہے تو اسکو سب سنائی اور محسوس ہوتا ہے اور وہ بہت کچھ خود میں جذب کرتا ہے . اب آپ ہی بتائیں جو پودا محبت کے نہیں بلکہ مجبوری سے بویا گیا ہو اور پِھر اسکو سینچا  بھی انہی اطوار پر جائے ، تو کیا وہ بنیادی طور پر مکمل ہو گا ؟ 

والدین بچوں کو شروع سے ہی ایسی تربیت  دیتے ہیں جس میں ان کو سوال پوچھنے، انکار کرنے،یا پھر منطق ڈھونڈنے کی اجازت نہیں  ہوتی. اگر اتفاق سے کوئی ایسی جرّت کرلے تو اسکو کہہ  دیتے ہیں "زبان درازی مت کرو" کیوںکہ ماں باپ کے پاس کوئی جواب نہیں ہوتا. دوسرے وہ بچے کہ اندر سے یہ للکار اور بغاوت ختم کرنا چاہتے ہیں تاکہ وہ ان کے بتاۓ  ہوئے راستے پر چلے اور ان کے دکھاۓ  ہوئے خواب دیکھے . 

 پاکستان کا ہر بچہ ڈاکٹر، انجنیئر یا پھر پائلٹ وغیرہ بننے کے خواب دیکھتا ہے. اس کی سوچ پر اسکی تربیت اتنی حاوی ہوتی ہے کہ وہ چاہتے ہوئے بھی اس دائرے سے باہر نہیں آ  پاتا جس میں وہ شاید بہترین پینٹر، ڈیزائنر، یا پھر کچھ اور بن سکتا ہو. 
یہی وجہ ہے کہ ہم گھسی پٹی تربیت کرتے ہیں.

بالکل اسی راستے پر چلتے ہوئے ہم اپنے بیٹے بیٹیوں کی شادیاں بھی خود ہی خود سوچ لیتے ہیں جس میں اول نمبر پر ماموں اور خالہ کے بچے ہوتے ہیں. کبھی کبھار چچا پھوپھی بھی کسی کھاتے میں آجاتے ہیں. 

ہمارے معاشرے کی یہ روش ہی نہیں کہ اپنی ہی نسل کو سمجھیں، پہچانیں، اور فیصلوں کو جذباتی مجبوری میں انکو قربان نہ کردیں.
بنیادی طور پر تو ہمیں اپنے مستقبل کی تربیت خود سے بہتر کرنی چاہئے لیکن نہیں ہم اپنی محرومیوں کا بدلہ اپنے ہی نطفے سے لیتے ہیں.

یہی وجہ ہے کے جو ہمیں ہمارے والدین سکھاتے ہیں ہم بس اسی کو کاپی پیسٹ کر دیتے ہیں اپنی اولاد کی تربیت پر . اب تو نسلیں گزر گئی ہیں اِس خطے میں ایسے ہی مجبوریوں میں گھری لیکن کیا آپکا میرا فرض نہیں کہہ ہم روایت سے باہر نکل کر سوچیں ؟ سہی اور غلط کی پہچان کرائیں ؟  آنے والی نسل کو یہ نہ سکھایں کہ کیا سوچنا ہے بلکہ اسکی سوچ پر سے پہرے اٹھایں . 

 ہمیں اپنی آنے والی نسلوں کو وہ سب دینا چاہئے جو ہمیں نہیں مل سکا.......جیسے ذہن کی آزادی، سوچ کی پروان، اور سب سے بڑھ کر فیصلوں کی خود مختاری. 





بانوسازی  
٧ اپریل، ٢٠١٥

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Never Ending Song of YOU - II

Ever got belly butterflies?

I do.

The ones that flutter right through my chest and make the blood rush through my cheeks. This fluttering is hard to hide because the glint in my eyes hint on the thousand stories that we have written together

I am not beautiful. 

It's your thought that does the magic.

I forget to blink when you open your symmetrical mouth to speak, and the curve that they call smile is actually a crescent on my heart.

When sun sets itself on your hands, they shine like fields of gold entangled in my fingers. I have spent hours watching you in your sleep with a gap between your lips. Those hours are so well spent that even sunshine takes time to reach us and wake you up.

I can spend my whole day in the scent that you left behind. That’s what makes me do waltz even when you aren't present because you are never gone.

Your ruffled hair set my heart on fire and everything else straight.

You are my all-time season of spring.

You are my never ending song of eternity.

by Bano B.

March 3rd, 2015

5:10 pm

Never Ending Song of You - I  can be read here

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Selfie Time

Being alone is not being lonely.

This is something I learned 4 years ago when I bought a ticket for Tom Cruise’s new release Knight and Day. Being a foreigner, thousands of miles away from home and stuck up in a hotel room I felt too sad and stepped out for a movie. Before that, I never knew how to watch a movie in the cinema alone followed by dinner as well.

In all honesty, the movie was crap but I was happy as I had nobody to bother me about the story, cast, acting, and the popcorn was all mine. Later in the evening, I scouted through random restaurants checking out menus, specialties, and finally settling for my own rendezvous with Moroccan food.

We meet people every day. Some of them are friends, colleagues and above all, we have a family as well. Hence, being alone for some time is very important. You get to meet yourself and the world around you. You must learn the world and its mechanics. By mechanics, I don’t mean physics, chemistry, or math of earth.  I mean the people, the events, the daily miracles, and a new thing.

When surrounded by people, one can’t make a decision or a choice without being influenced even if it’s as minor as having a Coke or Pepsi. One may end up having water only.

My daily life doesn't even let me hear the traffic sounds because I drive with windows rolled up and music. But whenever possible, I take a walk empty-handed and drop an ear on conversations on my way. I look at couples on bike immersed in conversation, making small laughs, waiting for the red signal to go green without any agitation.

I learned it’s perfectly alright to smile back at strangers just like children do without knowing you.

The world is huge and there are so many people in it with story of their own, environments to explore, even sunsets and sunrise can be different.

Spend time with yourself. You owe it to your mind & body.

When I am alone, I am not lonely. I enjoy the company of my own.

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Love Undone

Sitting across the small meeting table, she saw him for the first time ever. Maroon shirt, black trousers with a look fixed to ground he spoke nothing till the end except when the co interviewer nudged him if he has anything to ask. He woke up from slumber as if, and asked where she sees herself in next 5 years. Usually, candidates give long answers with significant vocabulary while she uttered “I see myself in your place.”

It’s been 9 years and memory is still imprinted with this picture.

She thought of this memory while sun was still rising and she could see from the corner of her bed how the dark was turning into light. Her head was hanging half from the bed and blood was rushing in reverse just like she wanted to reverse the last few hours. The light appearing on the infinite appearance of sky wasn't powerful enough to clear the darkness of her desires.

The dignity that she earned was lost somewhere down the trance of ecstasy; a painful one.

She stayed there watching the full sunrise and suddenly she realized a flush of anger in her heart. It was a different anger which will continue to be with her for long or maybe lifelong.

Imaginations, dreams, desires, all come thrashing into her heart. Laying in his bed they both turned faces from each other with trail of thoughts.

“I always wanted it to be out of love and not lust.” That’s all she could say.

The lust that not even lasted for minutes and never reached her lips!

The least he could do was to make her feel loved.

With every passing moment that day onward, she started sulking in the loss of love. Her smile disappeared with a fake curve on her face to avoid explanation of her blank expression. She betrayed her own self that night for nothing but a tasteless, loveless, emotionless frenzy.

She left his bed without her soul.

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Protagonist

It was 3:30 am to be exact when her eyes opened as if she never slept, very robotic or to be more modern I would like to call it a zombie moment. Her feet were cold despite the quilt was covering her from everywhere yet she gets up and sits squarely on the bed. There is her black pullover which was lying on the empty side of the bed; the only companion to make her feel warm. This pullover is just like instant noodles except that it provides instant warmth.

Right in front of her is the huge French window which opens out on this wide terrace overlooking the main road. At this wee hour everything is closed, hence she is awestruck by the silence of the hour. The usual routine on that corner of her building is to hear the running engines at the bus stop or the children screaming & playing around the pavement.  But right now it is so dead that suddenly her eyes get fixed on the red light blinking on the skyscrapers so when clouds come down, planes can make their way without hindrance.

Sitting on her bed, staring into the blank space with no noise going down the ears, she hears him turning in his bed in a room hardly 20 steps away from hers. While sitting on her bed, she turns her head as if she wants to hear him closely. Suddenly, she remembers the time he fell asleep on the sofa and she could make out the words from his breathing. This memory made her look back towards the window and remove the quilt from her now little sweaty feet. She gets out of the bed cautiously so he doesn't get disturbed by her bed’s churning sounds, and walk bare feet towards the window. Usually, it’s the day that brings hope but suddenly she finds hope with the falling darkness.

She turns her back towards the window and looks at the warm light coming from under the door. Before going to sleep every night this is a habit to keep a small warm light open at the main entrance. She looks at the light shed and takes small steps to open the door and leave the room quietly. Her feet are taking longer than usual to cover those 20 steps which usually take a nanosecond in daylight but right now this action is making her throat dry and shoulder stiff.

His door is slightly open as he never sleeps with the door closed. She looks at him from that thin opening and sees that white street light is falling on his sharp feature. She opens the door enough for her to enter and walk towards the other end of the bed and stand there looking at him. She breathes in and sits down on her knees on the cold tiled floor; a feeling that hurts normally but at this moment her mind was fixed on his face just like her eyes.

She raises her pretty hand and makes her fingers run through the contour of his face. He mumbles in his sleep and slightly tosses which made her hand stop right on his cheekbone. His face told her that either he is dreaming or trying to dream so she runs down her fingers to his lips, and at that very moment, he utters a name.

A name which is not hers and once again the night becomes cold!

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Baat se Baat - IV

Main: Kya hum badal gaye hain?
Woh: Aisa kuon laga?
Main: Yun hi.

Woh: Tum yun hi na kehti ho na sochti ho.

Main: Mujhe lagta hai………. Humari muhabbat ki shiddat zindagi kay bojh talay kahin dab gayi hai.
Woh: Sahi keh rahi ho.

Main: Chalo….. Hum ittefaq tau abhi bhi karte hain.

Woh: Haan, ittefaq muhhabat ki shart nahi.

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میں: کیا ہم بدل گئے ہیں؟

وہ: ایسا کیوں  لگا؟

میں: یونہی

وہ: تم یونہی نہ کچھ کہتی ہو نہ سوچتی ہو

میں: مجھے لگتا ہے........ہماری محبّت کی شدّت زندگی کے بوجھ تلے کہیں دب گیی ہے 

وہ: صحیح کہہ رہی ہو 

میں: چلو........ہم اتفاق تو ابھی بھی کرتے ہیں

وہ: ہاں! اتفاق محبّت کی شرط نہیں

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21 January, 2012

Kaghaz koray hogaye hain.
Saath jo hum ne likha tha,Wo tau ab mit chuka,

Meri jaan,
Lo qalam uthao,

Aur likh daalo

“Khatam Shudd”

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A Futile Attempt

God is definitely the best artist I have ever known.

There are hundreds of faces I can see at this moment on Dubai Airport and all of them own different features and expressions. Every face is telling a different story from heading back home to go on a honeymoon. Promises in making and kisses being sealed on them, everyone is equally hopeless and hopeful.

It just surprises me to find myself looking out for that one face, which is impossible to be found. Yet you are all over the place.

Or maybe I am stuck in one place for life.

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Indulgence

"I want to bury my head in your chest. Just so you don't hide yourself from me, instead I will hide myself in you."

--- Kookee-ness :)

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Mulaqaat

Tum se alag hone kay baad, mujhe laga ab hum kabhi nahi milen gay na hi humare raaste takrayen gay. Lekin main apne dil aur dimagh dono se bekhabar iss khush fehmi ko galay lagaye chalay jarahi thee.......... Aur tab hi...........

Shehar kay shadeed shor main, sarak ki dhool kay paar dekhte hue, janay kahan se tum bijlee ki tarha zehan main koond jatay ho. Roz ek hi raaste se guzarte hue, janay kaise tum barabar main aa kar beth jatay ho aur mujhe aatish geer ankhon se dekhte ho.

Kaam kay bojh talay, mislay nimta’te tum samne aa kharay hote ho ye yaad dilane kay hum aamne samne nahi rahay. Notebook kay safhay palat’te koi tareekh tumhe mere zehan per raqam kar jaati hai. Coffee ka karwa pan, tumhari yaadon kay azaab se kam karwa lagne laga hai.

Shayad main khud ko bhi waisa hi dhoka deti hun, jaisa tum ne diya. Ek khwab main zindagi saath guzar kar ab koi khwaab dekhne ki himmat nahi rahi. Uss khwaab se andhi aankhein sirf tumhe dekh sakti hain.

Main ghalat thee.

Tum se judaa ho kar bhi tum se milnaa mushkil tau nahi.

Written by,

K.

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Baat se Baat - III

“Ab kaisa lagta hai?”

“Takleef hoti hai”

“Kisi aur ka hone per?”

“Wo mera kab tha? Jo hota tau sach hota.”

“Tumne ussay sach hi tau jana tha?”

“Jan’ne aur hone main farq hota hai. Dil kay raaste andhe hote hain, mujhe maloom hi nahi hua kab main andhi gehrai main girti chali gayi.”

“Kitna waqt guzar dia tumne andheron main.”

“Kuch andhere aisi roshni se behtar hain, jo aankhon ko andha karde.”

“Aur ab kya karogi?”

“Dafan kardun gi iss muhabbat ko, jo meri qabar ban rahi hai.”

“Aur usko?”

“Us kay liye mujhe khud dafan hona pare ga.”

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"اب کیسا لگتا ہے؟"

"تکلیف ہوتی ہے "

"کسی اور کا ہونے پر؟"

"وہ میرا تھا ہی کب؟  جو ہوتا تو سچ ہوتا."

"تم نے اسے سچ ہی تو جانا تھا."

"جاننے اور ہونے میں فرق ہوتا ہے. دل کے راستے اندھے ہوتے ہیں، مجھے معلوم ہی نہ ہوا کب میں اس گہری میں ڈوبتی چلی گیی "

"کتنا  وقت برباد کردیا تم نے ان اندھیروں کے پیچھے."

"کچھ اندھیرے ایسی روشنی سے بہتر ہیں جو آنکھوں کو اندھا کردیں."

"اب کیا کرو گی.؟"

"دفن  کردوں گی اس محبّت کو. .......جو میری قبر بن رہی ہے."

"اور اسکو؟"

"اس کے لئے مجھے خود دفن ہونا پڑے گا."

#بانوسازی  

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Dove called Love

A few years back, a friend asked me in a random conversation, what is love? I replied back, wo jo lamhe bhar main umar bhar kay liye hojaye (it happens to you in a moment for lifetime).

Till today, when people are losing faith in this dove, my faith is still unshaken. Day by day, when the world is getting darker in its deeds, love is only emotion which brings in some enlightenment. The idea may sound outdated but the truth is once you put on specs of love, first thing you get to see is optimism. So, yes, love is definitely not blind, dumb or deaf.

If I look around me, people after one bad experience start generalizing people and their emotions. Love used to be one of an integral part of one’s life, but now it seems to be moth-eaten. The older generation still holds it dear but those in the 20s and 30s are wary of it. They can listen to love songs, watch films about it but dread the idea of falling for it. Maybe we want the return of everything, be it an emotion even. What we need to understand is that emotions are not commodity where we can barter.

God made us with so much fondness that I am sure we have element of love running in our blood. No wonder, that when one’s element gets activated, he doesn’t bother about the boundaries of religion, ethnicity, sect etc.

It’s a free will.

Every aspect of life becomes positive and the goodness of humanity becomes apparent once you become aware of self- love and then selfless love. It is the only emotion that has the power to obsolete man-made differences and set you free.

Ye baatein, Wo baatein,
Kab humari batein ban gayi
Soch kay ab karna kya?
Dorahay se raah nikal gayi,
Palat kar peeche dekhna kya?
Kis ne dekha, Kis ne jaana,
Yun zindagi karwat badal gayi
Soch kay ab karna kya?
Hum ek dusre main kho jayen,
Dunya dhoond kay karna kya?
Written by,
K.

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21 Days

Dawn breaks.

It has been some time he has not seen broad daylight but today he is anticipating sunrays. This day he will be meeting his fate which will take away his license to life.

He wakes up, loosely hanging his legs from cemented slab while staring away, thinking what went wrong, where he stepped mistakenly or maybe he was destined. Every morning he misses his children jumping over him to drop them to school. It’s been days he is away from them and everyone else.

While washing his face and shaving almost a week’s beard, he ached for his wife’s reflection in the mirror. But he is not home. After dressing in crisp shalwar kamiz, he looks at himself with a familiarity he knew sometime back. Slipping on his leather sandals reminded him that he promised new joggers to his little one; a promise which will take time to be fulfilled. He is interrupted when a monotonous voice asked him,

“Sahab chai piyen gay?”
He nods with assent.

Coming out of cemented walls, heading towards the van, he keeps dodging the harsh sun. It takes some time to settle in and move ahead. His eyes move around and he catches a glimpse familiar and loved faces.

Hearing the several footsteps and surrounded by black & white souls, he enters with his head hanging down, looking at the mosaic floor. He is unable to find the answers except for saying, that it is not him. It seemed to him that he went unheard. Indeed, he was.

When coming down from the aisle, his eyes meet his brothers’ and he steps up to them. After purporting for a while, as if nothing has changed, they embrace each other and the salt can be picked and tasted from the corner of their eyes.

Life has collapsed from his hands while innocent and guilty walk hand in hand.

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D for Divorce

Though it’s been a while now I sought divorced, I still keep coming across amusing social norms. Interestingly, they are found not only at home but even the west has its ways to address it.

My first ever amusement was seeing that children after divorce are either considered “issues” or casually called “excess baggage”. I clearly remember how many of those looking-concern aunties told me that am lucky for not having excess baggage with me. I was astonished to know that socially we torment the innocent existence. Wikipedia endorsed my astonishment when I read that Prince William and Prince Harry are not children but “issues” between Diana and Charles.

Almost 3 years ago, when I filed my case I knew am one of those few brave and bold women who dare to initiate this taboo factor. Brave because we know the consequences, and bold because ready to face the world with stigmata. In recent years, Pakistan has seen a high jump in divorce rate after a move made by Muslim Family Courts Amendment Ordinance. Despite, every year the numbers are increasing, we still consider it a taboo and keep hush tones.

In Pakistan, society is above religion and it doesn’t really matter that divorce is allowed by religion. If society considers it a taboo, it is a taboo and you better not challenge it. Though divorces are no more an unusual hearing but still outlawed.

A few days back over the weekend, during a late-night family gossip session, my sister told me that whenever she has to mention the word “divorce” in front of her 9-year-old, she instead use “doctor”. I told her that by now, your son must have known what it is. But her opinion is that “aise alfaaz khule aam istemaal karengay, tau khulay aam hogi” (if we use the word openly, it will happen openly). In short, the word should maintain its forbidden nature.

I fail to understand the shame in being divorced until unless it happened out of a shameful reason. We need to realize that God allows divorce, under severe condition, because He knew that such conditions will be born out of mankind. Unfortunately, mankind is not acceptable as we own small hearts and minds.

Our society tends to ignore the root causes of divorce, instead try to curb it by remaining it a social stigma; a stigma which has a different set of rules for male and female. For this, I need one lengthy post.

I will make sure I teach my children the difference between right and wrong so they know D is Divorce and Doctor both.

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Confessions of a Chocoholic

I am on a chocolate overdose for the last two days; somehow I just cannot control my brain to stop responding to it. People around have start saying if am in love or a relationship and I tell them a big NO.

I can go and ask anyone to make a chocolate charity for me so I can proceed with my day happily and free. I even smuggle into my bag without Mommy noticing, or keep munching it without colleagues seeing and asking for their share. Most shamelessly, I can baffle a 3-year-old for chocolate saying, “awwww birdie took it away”. Someday, I plan to tell him that the birdie was his very own Aunt K.

Chocolate actually keeps me away from the crap called, love. Why I call it crap? It’s because I saw the ugly picture. If I had seen the non-existent side of love, which is oh-so-beautiful, then maybe my opinion would have changed. But for now, I declare chocolate to be my most faithful and life long partner. You know what? I won’t even get scandalized for having an affair with chocolate. It is unbelievably safe.

I am exceptionally high on chocolate, eating it like any staple food.

It’s better than you.

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Spilling Beans

Coffee, which was my once a week ritual, has become a deadly addiction.

I always avoided addictions; for me it’s too much of dependency. But on this trip, it seems whatever I have avoided in past is unavoidable.


I avoided past, but it rose randomly.
I avoided strangers; they catch me accidently.
I avoided clashes with core; it costs me deadly.
I avoided face behind a face; I now, know them surprisingly.
I avoided you, but you are getting closer to me.


Above all, I avoided life.
Its happening to me daily !!!


Cairo is not (may be) my cup of coffee :)

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Innocence

I asked Ash if she would like to come along with me to get a match-box from my place. We both started talking about why her father comes late from work and how she detests it.


Me: Jab papa late hote hain office se tau aap unka intezar karti ho?
Ash: Ye intezar kya hota hai?


I looked at her in awe and realized it’s not a Hindi word. While I felt envious for a moment, I also considered how lucky she is, not to know what “intezar” (to wait) is. She is innocent and oblivious to the perils of growing up and falling into the trap of her own deeds; the traps and the deeds, which leads us to “intezar”.
At least, some people can wait in anticipation of it to come to an end. But not all are lucky enough. They wait like a hopeless romantic, with no aim and no charm of the future. The wait is just endless. Life abides by the past and procrastinates the future.


I realized that in the age of innocence we demand an explanation for everything and want to know the unknowns. Today, when I know everything (almost), I want to become unknown to all of it again.


I want to return to the age of innocence to shed the burden of knowledge.

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Shukria........

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Mujhe zinda rehna ata hai, aur buhat ache se ata hai. Main muskurati bhi hun, hansti bhi, pasand ka khati, peeti aur pehanti bhi hun. Siyasat se le kar dhaniye podinay ki khareedari tak main barh charh kar hissa leti hun.

Magar main sirf zinda hun. Zinda rehne aur jeenay main farq hai.

Zindagi phir se mere muskurane per muskuraye to mere ander jeenay ka ehsaas jagay. Lekin, zindagi muskura nahi rahi han albatta hans rahi hai mujh per, ek bar nahi baar baar. Mujhe iss kay hansne per koi khaas aitraaz nahi kuon kay ab main kaafi dheet hochuki hun. Pehle mujhe zindagi kay yun hansne per rona aata tha, ab main muskura kar chehra palat leti hun.  

Kabhi kabhi lagta hai, main dukhon se guzar kar, guzar jaoon gi.

Bahar se dekhne wale mujhe dekhte hain, mera aap nahi jaantay. Mujhe wo sub mila jiski maine shiddat se kabhi khuwahish nahi ki, aur wo sub cheen liya gaya jo maine raaton ko uth uth kar maanga.

Maine jab saath chaha, uss nay haath kheench lia. Jab muhabbat se dekha, tab chehra palat lia. Dostee main darguzr ka kaha tau damaan maila kardia. Tumne mujhe akela rehna sikha dia, khud main gum hona bata dia. Tumne mujhe nafrat karna sikha dia.

Tumne mujhe marr kar zinda rehna sikha dia.

K.

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Dear John

Saying that, you won't go to the extent where you can hurt me isn't enough. You have already hurt me in a manner, which was never invented.

Or may be you were right, am too fragile. Sadly, nobody yet has come to know how to handle me with care. For once I thought, it's you who might do but then again am bad with judgment and too quick to decide.

Thank you for teaching me a lesson. From now onwards, I will try to be a listener but not by heart, by mind my dear.

Secretly yours!!!

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