"شوہرکو چھوڑ دو!"

Originally published here NayaDaur Urdu

پچھلے چوبیس گھنٹے سے سوشل میڈیا پر ایک خبر زور و شور سے گردش کر رہی ہے جس میں لاہور سے تعلق رکھنے والے ایک خود ساختہ صحافی، ٹی وی پروڈیوسر نے مبینہ طور پر اپنی بیوی کا قتل کردیا ہے. 

یہ قتل ٢٩ جون کو ہوا تھا اور مقتولہ کی بہن کے مطابق، ان کی بہن ظالمانہ گھریلو تشدد کا شکار تھی. یوں تو قتل کو خودکشی کا رنگ دینے کی کوشش کی گئی تھی لیکن ابتدائی پوسٹ مارٹم کی رپورٹ سے معلوم پڑتا ہے کہ موت گلا دبانے سے ہوئی تھی.

ظلم، تشدد، قتل، خودکشی، یہ کچھ بھی مملکت خداداد میں نیا نہیں ہے. 

سنہ ٢٠١٨ میں ہونے والی Thompson Reuters سروے کے مطابق پاکستان عورتوں کے لئے دنیا کا چھٹا خطرناک ملک ہے. اس خطرے کی بنیادی وجہ عزت کے نام پہ قتل، ریپ، اور گھریلو تشدد ہے. 

ایسے تمام واقعات جب سوشل میڈیا کے ذریعے منظر عام پر آتے ہیں توعمومی طور پر لوگ اپنی دانست میں، شدید جدّت پسندی کا مظاہرہ کرتے ہوئے کہتے ہیں کہ لڑکی کو شوہر کو چھوڑ دینا چاہئے تھا. 

کیا ہمارے معاشرے میں شوہر کو چھوڑنا اتنا آسان ہے؟

نہیں !

ہمارے معاشرے میں لڑکی کے پیدا ہوتے ہی اس کی بنیادی تربیت اس طرز پہ کی جاتی ہے کہ اس کو کل کو 'دوسرے'  گھر جانا ہے. ایسی معاشرتی روایات اور اصولوں پہ پروان چڑھنے والی بچیوں یا خواتین سے یہ امید کرنا کہ انہوں نے شوہر کے غلط روّیے کے باعث 'گھر کیوں نہیں چھوڑ دیا؟' انتہائی بیوقوفانہ امید ہے.

بچیاں بچے، کم عمری سے ہی اپنے آس پاس کے ماحول کو اپنانے لگتے ہیں جہاں وہ عورت کو چولہے چکّی میں پستا، باپ سے پٹتا، گھر والوں سے کوسنے سنتے، بزرگوں سے صبر کی تلقین اور ہر طرح کی قربانی کا واعظ سنتے ہیں.

خصوصی طور پی لڑکیوں کو شروع سے جھکاؤ سکھایا جاتا ہے. بھائی چھوٹا بھی ہو تو رعب دبدبہ بڑوں والا ہوگا. باپ کا غصہ ٹھنڈے پانی کی طرح پی جانے کا حکم ہوگا کیوںکہ وہ تمہاری دال روٹی کا مالک ہے. حد تو حد، اگر کوئی اولاد اپنے ساتھ ہونے والی کسی قسم کی زیادتی، بشمول جنسی، کی شکایات کردے تو اس کو خاموشی کا درس سکھایا جاتا ہے.

ہم نے تو اپنے بچوں کو بھی وہ محفوظ گھر نہیں دیا جہاں انکی چیخ سنی جا سکے، جہاں انہیں رشتوں پر اعتبار ہو کہ وہ ان کے حقوق کا استحصال نہیں کریں گے. 

ایسے ماحول میں ہم ایسا کیسے سوچ لیں کے صدیوں کی روایات اور بوسیدہ اقدار کو ایک کمزور عورت للکارنے کی جرّت کرے گی.

لڑکیوں کو یہ تو سکھایا جاتا ہے کہ انہوں نے دوسرے گھر جانا ہے لیکن یہ نہیں بتایا جاتا کہ وہ اس گھر سے واپس بھی آسکتی ہے. ہم انہیں ان کی ذات کی نفی سکھا کر ، شادی قائم رکھنے کے بہترین سماجی ٹوٹکے بتاتے ہیں. حالانکہ بتانا یہ چاہئے کہ یہ نکاح نامہ ہے، تمہاری موت کا پروانہ نہیں ہے.

طلاق، جو کہ ایک مذہبی اور معاشرتی حق ہے، اس کو کالا دھبّہ بنا کر اپنے والدین ہونے کا بھرپور ثبوت دیتے ہیں. اس تربیتی طرز کے علاوہ بھی سینکڑوں ایسی وجوہات ہیں جن کی بنا پر لڑکیاں گھر واپسی کا راستہ نہیں چنتی ہیں، بلکہ زندہ یا مردہ بیاہتا قبر میں دفن ہوجاتی ہیں. 

پہلی اور سب سے اہم وجہ ہے مضبوط تعلیم!
گھر میں اگر ٤ بچے ہوں تو سب سے زیادہ تعلیم کا دھیان لڑکے کی جانب جاتا ہے. اسے مہنگے سکول میں ڈالا جاتا ہے، پروفیشنل ڈگری دلوائی جاتی ہے، کیوںکہ اس نے بوڑھے ما باپ کا سہارا بننا ہوتا ہے. دوسری جانب لڑکیوں کو زیادہ سے زیادہ BA پاس کروا کر شادی کے پلو میں بندہ دیا جاتا ہے کہ تم اب اپنے شوہر کی ذمے داری ہو. 

جب لڑکی نے دنیا داری تو سیکھی ہو لیکن دنیا نہ دیکھی ہو تو اس کے اندر خود اعتمادی کا شدید فقدان ہوتا ہے اور یوں وہ مکمل طور پر شوہر کے رحم و کرم پر ہوتی ہے. ماں باپ اپنی بیٹیوں کو تعلیم جیسے بنیادی حق سے محروم کرکے چار ثواب زیادہ نہیں کمائیں گے. 

اب آپ کہ ذہن میں آئے گا کہ پھر پڑھی لکھی عورتیں کیوں پرتشدد زندگی سہتی ہیں؟ اس کا جواب ہیں آپ اور آپ کا بنایا ہوا کھوکھلا سماج!

سال ٢٠٢٠ ہے، لیکن پاکستانی ڈراموں میں ابھی بھی طلاق ایک انتہائی ممنوع فعل ہے. حالیہ ہی ایک ڈرامے میں دکھایا جارہا ہے کیسے ایک لڑکے کی ماں اپنے پڑوس کی لڑکی پر پہلے الزام لگاتی ہے کہ وہ اس کے معصوم بیٹے کو پھنسا رہی ہے اور ساتھ ہی یہ بھی کہتی ہے کہ "میرے بیٹے کے لئے طلاق یافتہ ہی رہ گئی ہے؟"

جب لاکھوں لوگ پرائم ٹائم میں بیٹھ کر یہ ڈرامہ دیکھیں گے تو ان کے ذہن طلاق یافتہ عورت ایک گالی کی صورت ابھرے گی. 

آج بھی برصغیر میں شادی بیاہ، بچے کی پیدائش جیسے خوشی کے موقعے پر طلاق شدہ اور بانجھ عورتوں کو دلہن سے فاصلے پر رکھا جاتا ہے کہ کہیں اس کا 'منحوس' سایا نو بیاہتا پر نہ پڑ جائے. سننے میں یہ باتیں زمانہ قدیم کی لگتی ہیں لیکن یہ ہیں اسی جدید اکیسویں صدی کی باتیں.

سماجی بے دخلی یا در بدری ایک بہت بڑی وجہ ہے جو عورتوں کو بے وفا،ظالم،یا فحش شوہر کے ساتھ رہنے پر مجبورکردیتا ہے. ہمارے سماج میں مرد کتنا ہی ناکارہ کیوں نہ ہو، اسکا نام عورت کے ساتھ ہونا چاہئے. 

اگر کوئی عورت طلاق یا شوہر سے علیحدگی سوچ بھی لیتی ہے تو اس کے دل میں طرح طرح کے خوف ڈالے جاتے ہیں. جیسے.....

-- بھابھی کے ساتھ رہو گی؟

-- بوڑھے ماں باپ خاندان میں کیا منہ دکھائیں گے؟

-- چھوٹی بہنوں کا رشتہ کیسے ہوگا؟

-- بچے اکیلے پال لو گی؟

-- کل کو بیٹی کے سسرال والوں سے کیا کہو گی؟

-- اکیلی عورت کی کوئی عزت نہیں ہوتی. سوچ لو؟

قصّہ مختصر، طلاق کو تیسری عالمی جنگ کا درجہ دے دیا جائے گا. اس بیچاری عورت کو لگے گا اگر اس نے طلاق لی یا دی تو حضرت اسرافیل صور پھونک دیں گے.

اب آپ ہی بتایئں، کون عورت اپنے سر یہ گناہ لے گی؟

اکثر لوگوں کا یہ ماننا ہے کہ پسند کی شادی کا نتیجہ ہمیشہ برا ہوتا ہے جیسا لاہور کے صحافی کی بیوی کے ساتھ ہوا.

اصل میں یہ تمام باتیں ایک سوچی سمجھی، سماجی منصوبہ بندی ہے جس کا بنیادی مقصد عورت کو بندی نہیں بلکہ باندی بنانا مقصد ہے.اس منصوبہ بندی کا سہرا یوں تو پدر شاہی کو جاتا ہے لیکن ساتھ ہی ساتھ اس میں عورت کا کردار بھی ہے جیسے ماں، ساس، نند، بہنیں،خالہ، پھوپھی، جیٹھانی، دیورانی، بھابھی، اور محللے والیاں بھی......یہ وہ زنانہ رشتے ہیں جن میں مردوں سے لڑنے کی طاقت نہیں ہے تو وہ نظام میں رہ کر نظام کا ساتھ دیتی ہیں.

ایسی کوئی تحقیق نہیں ہے جس سے ثابت ہو کہ شادی اگر والدین کی مرضی سے ہوگی تو کامیاب ہوگی. کامیابی کا انحصار آپ کی پسند پر نہیں ہے. 

شادی والدین کی پسند سے ہو یا اپنی پسند سے، واپسی کا دروازہ ہمیشہ کھلا ہونا چاہئے اور کھلے دل سے ہونا چاہئے.

پاکستان میں سماجی فقدان کے ساتھ ہی حکومتی منصوبہ بندی بھی ناکام ہے. ملک میں تقریبآ ایک تہائی کیسز گھریلو تشدد سے جڑے ہوتے ہیں لیکن بمشکل صرف ١-٢.٥% ہی قانونی انجام کو پہنچتے ہیں. ہمارے ملک میں عورتوں کے لئے پناہ گاہوں کی کمی ہے اور جو ہیں وہاں وہ محفوظ نہیں ہیں.

اس کے ساتھ ہی قانونی چارہ جوئی ایک انتہائی مشکل کام ہے. ہمارے معاشرے میں تھانہ کچہری کرنا شرمندگی کا باعث بنتا ہے بھلے قصور سامنے والے کا ہو. ہم بیٹی پر چار لات گھونسیں برداشت کرلیں گے لیکن تھانے جا کر رپورٹ نہیں کریں گے. جو رپورٹ ہو بھی گئی، تو ایک بار پھر قانون آپ کو تاریخوں کے لئے دوڑائے گا.

مضبوط قانونی نظام اور سماجی و اخلاقی حمایت  کی کمی ہماری عورتوں کو مجبور کرتی ہے کہ وہ دنیا چھوڑ دیتی ہیں لیکن 'شوہر کا گھر' نہیں چھوڑتی ہیں.  

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Even Pakistani Tinder Isn’t Safe From Married Men

Originally published here NayaDaur

“What were you doing on Tinder?”

Khadija* was expecting anything but this. She was talking to the wife of a man who had recently deceived her. She had met this man on the dating app Tinder where they had immediately struck up a lively conversation. He told her that he was divorced and she had taken most of what he said on face value, convincing as his tales of the every day seemed. Even when she met him in real life, she did not think anything was amiss. 

But several months later the game of deception had finally come to an end after Khadija found out about his wife and children through a network of women online who have each other’s backs in matters like these and keep a check on philandering men through various whisper networks. This is what had brought Khadija and Sameen together to talk about the man who had deceived them both.

The most notable part of this awkward conversation was that the wife wanted to know why Khadija had been on Tinder to begin with. “Because I am single”, sputtered Khadija. I also told her “You should be asking your husband this question, not me”, she says, putting her glass of ice-filled cola on the table and trying to control herself.

In any civil society, people will not judge each other for being on a dating app. The judgment criteria begin when one lies about their marital status and think of oneself as a trophy that women are dying to take home.

Almost 2 decades back, we had chatrooms such as MSN, Yahoo, MIRC, or ICQ for meeting/dating new people. You could have entered a chatroom and befriended a boy disguised as a girl. This can still be considered comparatively better than finding yourself dating a man who has not put his legitimate marital status on the table.

Internet became further prevalent, and everything became on-the-go, courtesy of smart phones. Eventually, these rooms got replaced by exclusive dating apps such as Tinder, OkCupid, or the latest Muslim sensation called MuzMatch – a halal way to date.

Unlike West, Pakistan has nothing to offer to adults for casual socializing and that is when we resort to the modern mode of dating.

According to Zaafir*, a young engineer who regularly uses Tinder, dating in Pakistan is an act of rebel. A small gesture against cultural and social norms which bars you from meeting singles and know them. A country where women are still objectified and considered as “ghairat”, dating openly can be as dangerous as entering a tribal area without precaution.

Pakistan, where dating is anyway a taboo, such apps not only create room for potential companionship but also test users’ level of trust in strangers. An average Pakistani find it safer to look for a date online as compared to his or her surroundings where a judgment awaits by society.

Hasan* met his girlfriend on WeChat, a Chinese multipurpose messaging app. He is a 26year old, full-time student who accidentally found his partner on this app. Initially, the girl she met was using a fake identity for safety purpose but over time, as trust developed, she revealed her real identity. 

Two years later, they are still together. Hasan* thinks, it is unethical for committed or married people to be on a dating platform.

He further added that Pakistan is a culturally restricted society limits their chances to date or get-to-know a new person. Also, men and women have a conflict of interest where men are mostly looking for one-night stands, or rather a time-pass, while the majority of women go for something meaningful or deeper connection.

Pakistan is a tough country for single women and it becomes quite difficult for them to put themselves out there on dating platforms. In case you happen to be independent, outspoken, opinionated then Pakistani men tend to take you for granted and consider you as “available”. The sense of entitlement is quite evident on dating apps like Tinder where our desi men shamelessly date to demonstrate their masculinity.

Tinder already has around 57million users worldwide and can be ranked as one of the most growing dating apps in Pakistan.

Ideally, any dating app should be the hub of singletons looking for 50 shades of romance but, we rather find 50 shades of shadiness. Back in 2015, Global Web Index, an independent survey of Tinder found that around 30% of its users are married and 12% are highly committed in their relationships.

Such statistics can only speak of figures, but not the motive or authenticity of users!

Farheen*, a 33-year-old media professional, consumed by her work-life, gave Tinder a try. 

Just like Khadija*, she met a too-good-to-be-true guy, Mr. Z, whom she dated for a little over 2 months and eventually discovered that he is not only married but also fathering 2 children. 

Unfortunately, Farheen* was not his only prey but Mr. Z was a compulsive liar who had a wife, a steady girlfriend and a few side flings through dating apps.

Being married is not a problem, but what is problematic is deceiving multiple women at one point of time. Farheen* added, that such incidences can make people bitter and losing out on any chance of finding a reliable man.

Most men get away with such situations because they know, how easy it is to be a man in Pakistani society where they can be “themselves” in the name of patriarchy. Tinder is full of profiles where men literally write in their bio “Let’s not judge each other for being on Tinder” as if being on a dating app is a crime or a mortal sin.

While writing this piece, I spoke to many women who were duped by married men by showing themselves as single, separated, or even divorced. These men kept a smooth relationship, at max, a month or two and eventually their identity got revealed. Unfortunately, the most appalling part is that when wives learn of these incidents, they question the victim of deception before they question the deceiver – the husband.

A country like Pakistan, where sex and dating both are considered as best kept secret, these dating apps are giving avenues to married male to explore their fantasies.

Razee*, a 45year old married male, used OKCupid while going through a rough patch in his marriage. According to Razee, he could never find a match because he was honest about his marital status. OkCupid was his escape from marital life, responsibilities, and temporarily answered his fanciful desires in life.

Duplicity is an art, and not everyone can master it. Hence, Razee* had to withdraw himself from these dating apps where honesty could not get him a single date. Also, he mentioned that he did not have the guts to maintain an alternate identity just to fancy himself on cupidity.

But what makes a married man lie about his marital status?

“Well, it is all about how a man is raised because this is what leads to ineffective emotional awareness and communication with a partner.”, says Shazia Ahmed, a counseling psychologist.

According to Shazia, men are not taught how to recognize their emotions, and the only emotions they can have without shame are anger or aggression. Our primary issue begins when socially men are told that they are entitled to everything because they are men which eventually takes away their basic human need of being emotionally vulnerable.

Pakistani marriages are pre-dominantly arranged by parents which gives hardly any chances to two people to understand each other and match their frequency. Mostly in an arrange setup, it’s the men who has supremacy in relationship which takes away the equal sharing of responsibility and feelings towards each other.

In order to sustain a long-term partnership, man and woman both should work on it. Unfortunately, in Pakistani society, we put women through emotional labor of child upbringing, handling in-laws, and entertaining husband. While all this, the only standard expectation from a man is to be breadwinner.

Meanwhile, most of Pakistani wives are consumed in their chaotic marital life, their husbands find time to fulfill their fantasies and satisfy their ego through online mean and mode.

Shazia further explained, that men lack emotional awareness and deduce themselves to some attention from an unknown woman who is not bound by the same constraints as his wife. Instead of resolving their emotional needs with their partners, married men enjoy the attention and entitlement under the pretext of being single.

In a typical desi setup, where your parents chose your partner, you are very unlikely to develop that deep and secure emotional bond. Only this kind of bond has capability to communicate freely with your partner and share the weight of relationship, equally.

The time a man spends while talking to his Tinder match, he can choose to spend that with his wife while helping her with daily household labor. Unfortunately, most men are neither brought up nor they have seen other men helping their spouses. The way married men explain their fantasies to their online dates, they should rather try explaining them to their partners without any fear of being misunderstood.

If you cannot be principled enough in your marriage, one cannot expect you to have them on Tinder. 

The amount of creative thinking and labor, our men put into creating an alternative identity in online dating world, they should probably put that into their marriage.

This will save many women time and energy, both!

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D for Divorce

Though it’s been a while now I sought divorced, I still keep coming across amusing social norms. Interestingly, they are found not only at home but even the west has its ways to address it.

My first ever amusement was seeing that children after divorce are either considered “issues” or casually called “excess baggage”. I clearly remember how many of those looking-concern aunties told me that am lucky for not having excess baggage with me. I was astonished to know that socially we torment the innocent existence. Wikipedia endorsed my astonishment when I read that Prince William and Prince Harry are not children but “issues” between Diana and Charles.

Almost 3 years ago, when I filed my case I knew am one of those few brave and bold women who dare to initiate this taboo factor. Brave because we know the consequences, and bold because ready to face the world with stigmata. In recent years, Pakistan has seen a high jump in divorce rate after a move made by Muslim Family Courts Amendment Ordinance. Despite, every year the numbers are increasing, we still consider it a taboo and keep hush tones.

In Pakistan, society is above religion and it doesn’t really matter that divorce is allowed by religion. If society considers it a taboo, it is a taboo and you better not challenge it. Though divorces are no more an unusual hearing but still outlawed.

A few days back over the weekend, during a late-night family gossip session, my sister told me that whenever she has to mention the word “divorce” in front of her 9-year-old, she instead use “doctor”. I told her that by now, your son must have known what it is. But her opinion is that “aise alfaaz khule aam istemaal karengay, tau khulay aam hogi” (if we use the word openly, it will happen openly). In short, the word should maintain its forbidden nature.

I fail to understand the shame in being divorced until unless it happened out of a shameful reason. We need to realize that God allows divorce, under severe condition, because He knew that such conditions will be born out of mankind. Unfortunately, mankind is not acceptable as we own small hearts and minds.

Our society tends to ignore the root causes of divorce, instead try to curb it by remaining it a social stigma; a stigma which has a different set of rules for male and female. For this, I need one lengthy post.

I will make sure I teach my children the difference between right and wrong so they know D is Divorce and Doctor both.

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Cast, Creed, and Men

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A few nights back, during a discussion about men, I realized some use-your-common-sense facts and defended my ideology. The conversation included my mother, sister, paternal aunt and me.

Inter-ethnic unions can ensue in lifelong rivalries and expulsion from a family which makes life harder for the girl especially. With all the enlightened moderation Pakistan owns, the people are still not out of the mindsets which compel them to follow culture, not religion.

Argument kicked off when my aunty said that she thinks Punjabi men are not respectful towards women and cannot be good husbands, my mother followed her.  Her conviction is based on what she or many of us Urdu-speaking are instilled with since childhood against the Punjabi, Pathan, Sindhi, and Balochi. And I personally don’t blame them for this because the situation is vice-versa all over Pakistan.

According to my mother, men from tribal or feudal backgrounds don’t consider women human and mistreat them. I countered her by citing examples of so-called sophisticated Mahajir men who have beaten their wives, abused them, and womanize. Both of the women were quite.

I think that even after knowing the truth, we are not courageous enough to defy the system. Men or a woman must not b stereotyped on an ethnic basis. Men are mostly what their mothers make of them.

I have met people from various backgrounds who consider Mahajir men to be more sophisticated than any other ethnicity present in the country. I tend to disagree with them because humans should remain humans instead of being identified from their caste or creed. Baloch man can be as good as any Urdu speaking.

If a man had to be identified by his ethnicity, then am sure, the finest men should be Arabs for Muslims.

Muslims are just too good at denominating themselves into sects and Pakistanis master the division of a nation.

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Fathers to remember !!!

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Few fathers can leave an impact on you in the most unknown and humble way. You don’t belong to them by blood but by care and concern. They can be your unintentional teachers of life.

Today on this day, two most influential fathers who are resting in heaven, share something common. S. Azhar Zaidi arrived in this world whereas S.Ahmad Razvi left this world today. I am not writing this to pay any tribute or speak too highly of them. For that their children are good enough examples.

I got to know Azhar uncle because his son and my brother are two inseparable friends. He was known to me as a very placid person. A tall and bearded man with tendered expression to put you at ease right at the time of greeting; he never got me nervous. It was not till he came to stay at our place in his last days before flying to the USA, I observed him closely.

Azhar uncle, as usual, stayed quiet but sweet. He was at a loss of his memory but still he managed to remember me as I was a regular face to him after lunch or at dinner. He used to get his things done from his son while I keep listening to his childhood memories and home town stories. He taught me to be a patient listener with a keen interest in the conversation. Uncle was living in a flashback which made me realize that man remembers only what he enjoyed most when his conscience is unknown, the time of carelessness and being free.

He made me feel important for himself by asking where she is while eating his meal. Watching him going through the ordeal and still at peace was a lesson itself. He made me an accomplished being when I used to bring a smile on his face by consistently listening to him and getting inquisitive.

While he was drifting away, his family hold onto him, I consider him fortunate and well paid for his deeds in this life.

Friendly, humorous, informative, palmist, accomplished naval officer and a businessman, that was Baba, as we all knew him since day one.

Have you ever seen a father who carried an aura around him? I have seen Ahmad's uncle. We could easily share a laugh with him about his son or tease her daughter along with him. I befriended Razvis from the beginning of university time and I don’t regret it. They represented genuine arrogance to teach you a lesson for life. Later, they transform and lift you up to the best because that’s what has been instilled in them by their father.

Ahmad uncle was an exemplary father for every daughter present on earth. He made me experience the respect, love, fulfillment, togetherness, and enrichment of the most sacred relationship, marriage.

Do I need to say more?

I am writing this down to remind myself of the time when I learned how to be a parent to remember. You both are treasured and remembered by the person you least expected.

See you in heaven!!!

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Knowing your Mr.Right

 

I don’t believe much in Mr. Right, since most of them happen to become wrong at some point of life. Since am an announced single and much naïve in knowing men, a friend keeps sharing dating advice with me. The recent one really makes some sense to me so I thought I must distribute it to everyone who is about to fall in a trap or already fallen.

The 5 traits to look for, are essentials indeed.

None of the advice belongs to me or my friend. It’s by dating expert Lisa Steadman.

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Dating Trait #1: He listens to you

The best way to know if Mr. Next is interested in (and worthy of) being a candidate for Mr. Right? He listens to you. You'll know he's listening when he shows genuine concern, consistently remembers things you've told him (your birthday, favorite food, best friend's name, etc.), and offers emotional support in honest and thoughtful ways.

Dating Trait #2: He connects with you easily

We've all been in those relationships that take W-O-R-K (and suck the life force out of us in the process). When a relationship works on its own, it feels effortless, easy, and fluid. You don't have to force anything, forgive anyone, or turn a blind eye to red flags or gut-twisters. Instead, you communicate and collaborate with comfort, compatibility, and undeniable chemistry. If and when you experience this kind of interaction, you are on to something really special.

Dating Trait #3: He wants the real you

So often, women feel the need to sacrifice some part of themselves to make a relationship work. In the right relationship, there's no need. You don't have to hide, tone down, or apologize for any aspect of you or your fabulous life. With the right partner, you're not only able to be yourself, but you're better able to be the best version of your most authentic self -- no compromises needed.

Dating Trait #4: He's trustworthy

A relationship without trust is doomed from the start. But a relationship with abundant trust? A fabulous foundation for real and lasting love! Built over time, trust is based on the simple belief system that your partner has your best interests at heart and will never intentionally hurt you (and vice versa). If and when you discover that Mr. Next is 100 percent trustworthy, you'll have no trouble giving your heart to him. In return, he'll most likely give you his heart and pave the way for a lasting, loving relationship to unfold.

Dating Trait #5: He enriches your life

In the wrong relationship, your partner tears you to emotional shreds, brings you down, and in general drains your energy. In the right relationship, he enriches your life, inspires you to be your best self, and brings a sense of peace and possibility to you. You'll know Mr. Next is enriching your life if and when he encourages and supports you professionally, personally, and spiritually. And when he does, he may just be Mr. Right!

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Aids Protection Bill 2010

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Last year, Sindh Assembly passed a resolution urging the government to make tests for Thalassemia, HIV and other diseases “mandatory” for couples before marriage, and we surely heading towards it. 

Earlier this morning, I received a tweet related to Aids Protection Bill in Pakistan, which also suggests including pre-marital HIV test. A sigh of relief came out of me that finally our National Assembly is presenting and passing some of the sensible bills. Recent example is Bill on Sexual Harassment which has dignified the strength of working women.

-->By 2006, Pakistan Government accepted 4,000 cases nationwide where as UN figures are much higher. -->Latest UNICEF figures present higher estimate of infected Pakistani as 150,000 nationwide, out of which 27,000 are the infected mothers. Interesting but alarming fact is that only 0.1% of young people practice prevention from the disease. There are 3% of female who prevent from the disease having comprehensive knowledge where zero% male does that.

I am really looking forward for the acceptance and implementation of Aids Protection, for the sake of saving future generations. Every other day, I see/read reports, stats, and news describing people infected from Aids from their spouses. Women are the direct victims since they have fulfill the sexual needs of a drug addict husband or a husband who slept with another infected women on a foreign trip.

Some cases occur from blood transfusion as well. Many times, men marry despite they know the infection runs in their blood, but they prefer to ruin others rather than surpassing the ego of respect they hold socially. 

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An infected spouse can endanger many lives without realizing the social damage he/she is causing. Aids patients are not seen with much of interest or sympathy in a Pakistani society and are deprived of their basic rights. Despite, NGOs and individuals taking responsibility to promote awareness, they are far behind in compelling people. Our society is yet to build responsible enough for their action and reciprocate. Such bills if implemented can save many of us from entering into a relation known, but disease unknown.

Today, where a country like Nigeria has made pre-marital HIV Test as mandatory, countries like India are still struggling and Pakistan has taken the first step.   Anyways, it’s never too late. 

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P.S. I have suggestion for our NA to pass a bill for checking male fertility before marriage. That too will save many from being thrown out of house or blamed for being infertile, because we still live with a myth that woman is solely liable to bear children, not man.   

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Partners Apart

"Life does become a little harder without a companion, but worst if a wrong companion."

--- My random realization

After seeing the ups and downs and disasters of relationships in my very own life, I concluded the above. Many argued that you are asking for too much in a companion whereas I stood by my right to living life with the right one. Companionship comes out of ourselves and not out of love/arrange marriage.

We seek the right companionship somewhere in our long list of compromises (moral or immoral). What we tend to forget that if love exists between the two, there is nothing called compromise but more of companionship. And companions never ask for compromise but mutual nourishment and fulfilling lives together.

In recent times, when I have become more observant and empathetic towards people, I see that incompleteness prevails and missing links can be identified easily. I have a strong conviction that if we choose the right person for ourselves, we not only will become better selves but build a better society. It is this missing link that leads many of us towards moral crimes such as infidelity, domestic violence, mentally disturbed generations, and many more.

The dilemma of our generation is that we know the nurturing, fulfillment, and consideration. And there is no harm in it. For a better and long term companionship, we all need to cultivate our partners.

Now the question is why we are unable to land with the right one?

Several reasons can make their place in my mind and that too genuinely. But one tops them all and that is we ourselves choose the wrong one. It is maybe due to our lack of human analysis, poor understanding of our needs in a partner, false belief in promises made by other (in)significant. 

Mankind tends to change as per circumstances and when we face those changes; we realize the blunder we made. So firstly, we need to know what kind of person do we exactly want and what actually makes us happy instead of others.

But wait!

It’s not only us. The society also plays a pivotal role here. Family, extended family, siblings, also mislead us and we fall into the traps. Our elders and peers tend to find life partners on their face values such as education, character, looks, background, job, salary, etc. What about the person himself and his adjustment with the partner? To avoid the after disasters, one needs to look beyond the material stats.

I pity many of those who are entangled in a relationship out of social duty, family respect, and children. In our society it’s near to impossible for a couple to detach if they are parents, despite the several differences they continue to face till end. I agree with this practice because what children have to do with elders’ mistakes. Let’s not punish them.

Each one of us has the religious and social right to choose our life partner and pattern both. Life comes once with all its grace and disgrace, be sure to spend with the one who can save you from the disgrace.

Love is all about having a companion who brings the best out of you; show you yourself that was unknown to you even. It is exactly like finding a pearl beneath the darkest beds of the sea.

Marry your explorer, not detractor!!!!

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