Originally published here NayaDaur
“What were you doing on Tinder?”
Khadija* was expecting anything but this. She was talking to the wife of a man who had recently deceived her. She had met this man on the dating app Tinder where they had immediately struck up a lively conversation. He told her that he was divorced and she had taken most of what he said on face value, convincing as his tales of the every day seemed. Even when she met him in real life, she did not think anything was amiss.
But several months later the game of deception had finally come to an end after Khadija found out about his wife and children through a network of women online who have each other’s backs in matters like these and keep a check on philandering men through various whisper networks. This is what had brought Khadija and Sameen together to talk about the man who had deceived them both.
The most notable part of this awkward conversation was that the wife wanted to know why Khadija had been on Tinder to begin with. “Because I am single”, sputtered Khadija. I also told her “You should be asking your husband this question, not me”, she says, putting her glass of ice-filled cola on the table and trying to control herself.
In any civil society, people will not judge each other for being on a dating app. The judgment criteria begin when one lies about their marital status and think of oneself as a trophy that women are dying to take home.
Almost 2 decades back, we had chatrooms such as MSN, Yahoo, MIRC, or ICQ for meeting/dating new people. You could have entered a chatroom and befriended a boy disguised as a girl. This can still be considered comparatively better than finding yourself dating a man who has not put his legitimate marital status on the table.
Internet became further prevalent, and everything became on-the-go, courtesy of smart phones. Eventually, these rooms got replaced by exclusive dating apps such as Tinder, OkCupid, or the latest Muslim sensation called MuzMatch – a halal way to date.
Unlike West, Pakistan has nothing to offer to adults for casual socializing and that is when we resort to the modern mode of dating.
According to Zaafir*, a young engineer who regularly uses Tinder, dating in Pakistan is an act of rebel. A small gesture against cultural and social norms which bars you from meeting singles and know them. A country where women are still objectified and considered as “ghairat”, dating openly can be as dangerous as entering a tribal area without precaution.
Pakistan, where dating is anyway a taboo, such apps not only create room for potential companionship but also test users’ level of trust in strangers. An average Pakistani find it safer to look for a date online as compared to his or her surroundings where a judgment awaits by society.
Hasan* met his girlfriend on WeChat, a Chinese multipurpose messaging app. He is a 26year old, full-time student who accidentally found his partner on this app. Initially, the girl she met was using a fake identity for safety purpose but over time, as trust developed, she revealed her real identity.
Two years later, they are still together. Hasan* thinks, it is unethical for committed or married people to be on a dating platform.
He further added that Pakistan is a culturally restricted society limits their chances to date or get-to-know a new person. Also, men and women have a conflict of interest where men are mostly looking for one-night stands, or rather a time-pass, while the majority of women go for something meaningful or deeper connection.
Pakistan is a tough country for single women and it becomes quite difficult for them to put themselves out there on dating platforms. In case you happen to be independent, outspoken, opinionated then Pakistani men tend to take you for granted and consider you as “available”. The sense of entitlement is quite evident on dating apps like Tinder where our desi men shamelessly date to demonstrate their masculinity.
Tinder already has around 57million users worldwide and can be ranked as one of the most growing dating apps in Pakistan.
Ideally, any dating app should be the hub of singletons looking for 50 shades of romance but, we rather find 50 shades of shadiness. Back in 2015, Global Web Index, an independent survey of Tinder found that around 30% of its users are married and 12% are highly committed in their relationships.
Such statistics can only speak of figures, but not the motive or authenticity of users!
Farheen*, a 33-year-old media professional, consumed by her work-life, gave Tinder a try.
Just like Khadija*, she met a too-good-to-be-true guy, Mr. Z, whom she dated for a little over 2 months and eventually discovered that he is not only married but also fathering 2 children.
Unfortunately, Farheen* was not his only prey but Mr. Z was a compulsive liar who had a wife, a steady girlfriend and a few side flings through dating apps.
Being married is not a problem, but what is problematic is deceiving multiple women at one point of time. Farheen* added, that such incidences can make people bitter and losing out on any chance of finding a reliable man.
Most men get away with such situations because they know, how easy it is to be a man in Pakistani society where they can be “themselves” in the name of patriarchy. Tinder is full of profiles where men literally write in their bio “Let’s not judge each other for being on Tinder” as if being on a dating app is a crime or a mortal sin.
While writing this piece, I spoke to many women who were duped by married men by showing themselves as single, separated, or even divorced. These men kept a smooth relationship, at max, a month or two and eventually their identity got revealed. Unfortunately, the most appalling part is that when wives learn of these incidents, they question the victim of deception before they question the deceiver – the husband.
A country like Pakistan, where sex and dating both are considered as best kept secret, these dating apps are giving avenues to married male to explore their fantasies.
Razee*, a 45year old married male, used OKCupid while going through a rough patch in his marriage. According to Razee, he could never find a match because he was honest about his marital status. OkCupid was his escape from marital life, responsibilities, and temporarily answered his fanciful desires in life.
Duplicity is an art, and not everyone can master it. Hence, Razee* had to withdraw himself from these dating apps where honesty could not get him a single date. Also, he mentioned that he did not have the guts to maintain an alternate identity just to fancy himself on cupidity.
But what makes a married man lie about his marital status?
“Well, it is all about how a man is raised because this is what leads to ineffective emotional awareness and communication with a partner.”, says Shazia Ahmed, a counseling psychologist.
According to Shazia, men are not taught how to recognize their emotions, and the only emotions they can have without shame are anger or aggression. Our primary issue begins when socially men are told that they are entitled to everything because they are men which eventually takes away their basic human need of being emotionally vulnerable.
Pakistani marriages are pre-dominantly arranged by parents which gives hardly any chances to two people to understand each other and match their frequency. Mostly in an arrange setup, it’s the men who has supremacy in relationship which takes away the equal sharing of responsibility and feelings towards each other.
In order to sustain a long-term partnership, man and woman both should work on it. Unfortunately, in Pakistani society, we put women through emotional labor of child upbringing, handling in-laws, and entertaining husband. While all this, the only standard expectation from a man is to be breadwinner.
Meanwhile, most of Pakistani wives are consumed in their chaotic marital life, their husbands find time to fulfill their fantasies and satisfy their ego through online mean and mode.
Shazia further explained, that men lack emotional awareness and deduce themselves to some attention from an unknown woman who is not bound by the same constraints as his wife. Instead of resolving their emotional needs with their partners, married men enjoy the attention and entitlement under the pretext of being single.
In a typical desi setup, where your parents chose your partner, you are very unlikely to develop that deep and secure emotional bond. Only this kind of bond has capability to communicate freely with your partner and share the weight of relationship, equally.
The time a man spends while talking to his Tinder match, he can choose to spend that with his wife while helping her with daily household labor. Unfortunately, most men are neither brought up nor they have seen other men helping their spouses. The way married men explain their fantasies to their online dates, they should rather try explaining them to their partners without any fear of being misunderstood.
If you cannot be principled enough in your marriage, one cannot expect you to have them on Tinder.
The amount of creative thinking and labor, our men put into creating an alternative identity in online dating world, they should probably put that into their marriage.
This will save many women time and energy, both!
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