Showing posts with label family. Show all posts
Showing posts with label family. Show all posts

Nov 14, 2019

ہجرت کا درد

Originally published here NayaDaur Urdu

اماں کوئی سترہ سال کی ہونگی جب وہ ایک دن سکول سے گھر واپس آئیں اور میری نانی نے ان کو بتایا کے ان کی منگنی ہوگئی ہے. اتفاقاً، ابّا کے چچا اور میرے نانا دوست تھے اور انہوں نے سوچا کیوں نہ اس عظیم دوستی کو ایک ارینج رشتے داری میں تبدیل کردیا جائے. میرے ابّا تب کوئی پچیس سال کے تھے اور ایک فیکٹری میں کام کرتے تھے. گھر بار ہندوستان میں، لیکن نوکری کا جنجال بنگال میں تھا. 

الله الله خیر سلا، مارچ '٧١ میں اماں نے ابّا کے نام کی انگوٹھی پہن لی، اور حالات کو کروٹ لیتے دیکھنے لگی. 

یہی وہ مہینہ بھی تھا جب پاکستانی افواج نے ڈھاکہ میں آپریشن سرچ لائٹ کا آغاز کیا تھا اورشیخ مجیب ارحمن کو گرفتار بھی اسی دوران کیا گیا تھا. آج بھی سقوط ڈھاکہ کی تاریخ اور بنگلادیش کی آزادی کی تاریخ مختلف ہے.

حالات کو پیش نظر رکھتے ہوئے میرے نانا نانی نے اماں ابّا کی شادی عجلت میں اسی سال اگست میں کردی. ماں باپ کو لگا لڑکی اپنے گھر کی ہوگی تو عزت کم خطرے میں رہے گی. مگر یہ خام خیالی تھی !

مارچ کی آزادی سے سقوط ڈھاکہ تک، مشرقی پاکستان میں ایک عجیب تلاطم تھا. قتل و غارت اور جنگی حالات روز مرہ کا معمول تھے. عورتوں، بچیوں کا گھر سے نکلنا تقریباً بند تھا. چند عقلمند لوگ تھے اور حیثیت بھی رکھتے تھے، انہوں نے سقوط کا انتظار نہ کیا بلکہ بذریعہ نیپال، لندن چلے گئے. پھر وہاں سے کراچی کوچ کیا.

جنہوں نے اچھے وقت کی امید اور انتظار کیا، وہ جنگی قیدی بن گئے جیسے میرے اماں ابّا اور ڈھیروں دوست، رشتےدار، پڑوسی وغیرہ.  

قیدی بننا تو بعد کا ظلم تھا، میری اماں اس سے پہلے ایک اور ظلم سہہ رہی تھیں لیکن شور کرنے یا ماتم منانے کا وقت نہ ملا. میری نانی  انھیں شب و روز کے ہنگاموں میں ایک روز اپنے ٨ سالہ بھانجے کے ساتھ پڑوس میں جانے کو نکلی اور پھر کبھی واپس نہیں آئیں. میرے نانا کئی سال وہیں گزرے، آبائی لوگوں کی مدد سے بہت ڈھونڈا مگر سب بے-سود!

آج بھی میری اماں اکثر مجھے کہتی ہیں کہ تمہاری نانی میرے خواب میں کیوں نہیں آتیں؟ کیا معلوم وہ زندہ ہوں؟ کیا وہ مجھ سے ناراض ہیں؟
حد تو حد ہم نے آیت اللہ سے بھی پوچھوا لیا کہ نانی خواب میں کیوں نہیں آتیں؟ وہ بھی جواب دینے سے قاصر رہے.

ہم آج بھی فاتحہ درور کرتے ہیں مگرمیری ماں نے اپنی ماں کا چہرہ دیکھے بغیر انہیں مردہ تصور کرلیا ہے اور اسکا درد انھیں آج بھی ہے. جنگ بنجر کردیتی ہے.....اس زمین کو بھی جہاں اسکا خون بہا اور ان کا بھی جو کبھی اس زمین کے باسی تھے.

راتوں رات گھر گلیاں چوبارہ سب چھوڑا. قیدی بننے سے پہلے اتنی بھی مہلت نہیں ملی کے اپنے بچپن، لڑکپن، اور جوانی کو الوداع کہتے یہ لوگ! 

اماں ابّا کو لگا چلو جب سب ٹھیک ہوجاۓ گا تو گھر واپس آجاییں گے. ان کے تو وہم و گمان میں بھی نہیں تھا اب جو گئے تو اجنبی ہوگئے. نئے نویلے دولہا دلہن نے فوجی ٹرک میں اپنی ہجرت کا آغاز کیا. لوگوں کے پاس ان کے والدین کی نشانیاں ہوتی ہیں جیسے شادی کا جوڑا، کوئی پشتینی زیور، یا کوئی بھی اور ایسی چیز جو نسل دار نسل یاد کے طور پر منتقل ہوتی ہے.

مجھے میری اماں سے بس قصّے اور یادیں ملی. وہ سب کچھ جو انہوں نے ہمارے بڑے ہونے پر ہمیں بتائی.

میرے ابّا تو بمشکل ہی بات کرتے ہیں ان ٢٢ مہینوں کے بارے میں جو انہوں نے قید میں گزارے، یا وہ وقت جو انہیں کیمپ تک پہنچنے میں لگا، یا پھر وہ سب کچھ جو انہوں نے ڈھاکہ چھوڑتے وقت دیکھا. بزرگ کہتے ہیں، ہم نے جوان بچیوں کو کنویں میں کودتے دیکھا، نالیوں سے خون بہتا دیکھا، اور تو اور سقوط میں الجھے انسانوں کو بچھڑتے اجڑتے دیکھا.

'٧١ دسمبر کو جو شہر چھوڑا تو پھر کبھی واپس نہیں گئے!

میں نے اکثر خود کو رکھ کر سوچا کے کوئی مجھ سے میرا کراچی چھین لے، یا مجھے کہے اب یہ تمہارا گھر نہیں تو مجھے یقین ہے کہ میرا دل بند ہوجاۓ گا. جس شہر نے میرا وجود، میری شخصیت سینچی، وہ دھڑکن کا ایک حصّہ ہوتا ہے. میں کہیں بھی گئی، اس امید سے گئی کہ گھر تو کراچی ہے. 

ایک میں ہوں جو سوچ بھی نہیں سکتی اور ایک مہاجرین ہیں جن کے پاس واپسی کا راستہ ہی نہیں. جن کی یادوں پر خون کے دھبّے اور چیخوں کا دھمال ہے.

 چند روز پہلے جب کرتارپور بارڈر کی تقریب دیکھی، اور اس سے جڑی خبریں جہاں لوگ ایک دوسرے سے ملنے بارڈر پار آئے ہیں، تو میں نے مجبوراً سوچا کہ اماں سے پوچھوں اگر وہ ڈھاکہ چلنا چاہیں گی؟

اماں نے کہا، "بیٹا، اس بڑھاپے میں اتنی ہمّت نہیں کہ اس یاد سے پھر گزریں."

میری اماں کا آبائی گھر اب ایک بڑے شاپنگ مال میں تبدیل ہوگیا ہے. آس پاس کی گلیاں، علاقے، محلے، سب بدل گیا ہے. کچھ نہیں بدلہ تو میرے والدین کے اندر ہجرت کا درد!
  







May 6, 2011

D for Divorce


Though it’s been a while now I sought divorced, I still keep coming across amusing social norms. Interestingly, they are found not only at home but even the west has its ways to address it.

My first ever amusement was seeing that children after divorce are either considered “issues” or casually called “excess baggage”. I clearly remember how many of those looking-concern aunties told me that am lucky for not having excess baggage with me. I was astonished to know that socially we torment the innocent existence. Wikipedia endorsed my astonishment when I read that Prince William and Prince Harry are not children but “issues” between Diana and Charles.

Almost 3 years ago, when I filed my case I knew am one of those few brave and bold women who dare to initiate this taboo factor. Brave because we know the consequences, and bold because ready to face the world with stigmata. In recent years, Pakistan has seen a high jump in divorce rate after a move made by Muslim Family Courts Amendment Ordinance. Despite, every year the numbers are increasing, we still consider it a taboo and keep hush tones.

In Pakistan, society is above religion and it doesn’t really matter that divorce is allowed by religion. If society considers it a taboo, it is a taboo and you better not challenge it. Though divorces are no more an unusual hearing but still outlawed.

A few days back over the weekend, during a late-night family gossip session, my sister told me that whenever she has to mention the word “divorce” in front of her 9-year-old, she instead use “doctor”. I told her that by now, your son must have known what it is. But her opinion is that “aise alfaaz khule aam istemaal karengay, tau khulay aam hogi” (if we use the word openly, it will happen openly). In short, the word should maintain its forbidden nature.

I fail to understand the shame in being divorced until unless it happened out of a shameful reason. We need to realize that God allows divorce, under severe condition, because He knew that such conditions will be born out of mankind. Unfortunately, mankind is not acceptable as we own small hearts and minds.

Our society tends to ignore the root causes of divorce, instead try to curb it by remaining it a social stigma; a stigma which has a different set of rules for male and female. For this, I need one lengthy post.

I will make sure I teach my children the difference between right and wrong so they know D is Divorce and Doctor both.

Sep 30, 2010

Anesthesia

Thousands of miles away from home, I learn a new lesson each day. Life has never taught me at this speed like it does now.

Embodying myself with experiences has made me a bit lost in my own life. I made new relations, lost old ones under 6-feet while being away in the desert.

I want to lose my mind in a different alley for some time.

May 7, 2010

Cast, Creed, and Men

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A few nights back, during a discussion about men, I realized some use-your-common-sense facts and defended my ideology. The conversation included my mother, sister, paternal aunt and me.

Inter-ethnic unions can ensue in lifelong rivalries and expulsion from a family which makes life harder for the girl especially. With all the enlightened moderation Pakistan owns, the people are still not out of the mindsets which compel them to follow culture, not religion.

Argument kicked off when my aunty said that she thinks Punjabi men are not respectful towards women and cannot be good husbands, my mother followed her.  Her conviction is based on what she or many of us Urdu-speaking are instilled with since childhood against the Punjabi, Pathan, Sindhi, and Balochi. And I personally don’t blame them for this because the situation is vice-versa all over Pakistan.

According to my mother, men from tribal or feudal backgrounds don’t consider women human and mistreat them. I countered her by citing examples of so-called sophisticated Mahajir men who have beaten their wives, abused them, and womanize. Both of the women were quite.

I think that even after knowing the truth, we are not courageous enough to defy the system. Men or a woman must not b stereotyped on an ethnic basis. Men are mostly what their mothers make of them.

I have met people from various backgrounds who consider Mahajir men to be more sophisticated than any other ethnicity present in the country. I tend to disagree with them because humans should remain humans instead of being identified from their caste or creed. Baloch man can be as good as any Urdu speaking.

If a man had to be identified by his ethnicity, then am sure, the finest men should be Arabs for Muslims.

Muslims are just too good at denominating themselves into sects and Pakistanis master the division of a nation.

Apr 1, 2010

Fathers to remember !!!


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Few fathers can leave an impact on you in the most unknown and humble way. You don’t belong to them by blood but by care and concern. They can be your unintentional teachers of life.


Today on this day, two most influential fathers who are resting in heaven, share something common. S. Azhar Zaidi arrived in this world whereas S.Ahmad Razvi left this world today. I am not writing this to pay any tribute or speak too highly of them. For that their children are good enough examples.


I got to know Azhar uncle because his son and my brother are two inseparable friends. He was known to me as a very placid person. A tall and bearded man with tendered expression to put you at ease right at the time of greeting; he never got me nervous. It was not till he came to stay at our place in his last days before flying to the USA, I observed him closely.


Azhar uncle, as usual, stayed quiet but sweet. He was at a loss of his memory but still he managed to remember me as I was a regular face to him after lunch or at dinner. He used to get his things done from his son while I keep listening to his childhood memories and home town stories. He taught me to be a patient listener with a keen interest in the conversation. Uncle was living in a flashback which made me realize that man remembers only what he enjoyed most when his conscience is unknown, the time of carelessness and being free.


He made me feel important for himself by asking where she is while eating his meal. Watching him going through the ordeal and still at peace was a lesson itself. He made me an accomplished being when I used to bring a smile on his face by consistently listening to him and getting inquisitive.
While he was drifting away, his family hold onto him, I consider him fortunate and well paid for his deeds in this life.

Friendly, humorous, informative, palmist, accomplished naval officer and a businessman, that was Baba, as we all knew him since day one.


Have you ever seen a father who carried an aura around him? I have seen Ahmad's uncle. We could easily share a laugh with him about his son or tease her daughter along with him. I befriended Razvis from the beginning of university time and I don’t regret it. They represented genuine arrogance to teach you a lesson for life. Later, they transform and lift you up to the best because that’s what has been instilled in them by their father.


Ahmad uncle was an exemplary father for every daughter present on earth. He made me experience the respect, love, fulfillment, togetherness, and enrichment of the most sacred relationship, marriage.

Do I need to say more?


I am writing this down to remind myself of the time when I learned how to be a parent to remember. You both are treasured and remembered by the person you least expected.


See you in heaven!!!

Mar 18, 2010

I value myself !!!

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Lately, I have been trying to freeze the world to avoid interruptions. Sadly, these interruptions don’t let me imagine the frozen world, let alone make it a reality.

Interruptions have variable meaning to everyone. For me, the most annoying disruption is from people who don’t put themselves in other shoes, yet not refrain from passing judgments. These people can be anyone from your family to friends to foes. They step on your feet and tell you it’s not painful at all and you must believe them.

During the last two years, I have learned my lesson a hard way about dealing with social pressures and how to cope up without taking any oral help. From left, right and center I witnessed people putting subliminal force on me for their own interest and in the end leaving it on me to choose. To their surprise, I chose what I wanted instead of giving into theirs.

One thing is for sure, no one can access your worth except your own self. Be it your parents, siblings, spouse, children, friends, etc, they all see yours through their own eyes and mind. People sometimes look up to me for strength and inspiration because I am a few of the females who stand up and fight for a right granted to them. I make some people jealous too. I am sure, I make them think that they are more miserable because they could not find the courage to come out of that misery.

I tell them it’s you who has to decide and take charge of your life. When all is good in your life, the social circle takes the credit by saying “US” and if it goes another way around, it simply becomes “YOU”. So if in the end, it’s always about you, be it you with whatever you choose not others.

Yesterday, I read a couplet behind a bus saying
Hoti jo muhabbat khoon kay rishton main,
Bikte na Yusuf, Misr kay bazaaron main.
(If there was any love in blood relation,
Prophet Yusuf would not have been sold
in markets of Egypt)

GOD must have sent us to this world to understand our being and value it.

So as long as we are alive, don’t be at others’ mercy, or you will be sold cheap. We cannot get as lucky as Hazrat Yusuf A.S. hence only our strength can lead us to our liberty from society and its unseen/unborn interests.

Whenever I start feeling low and question myself, I remind myself that am HIS creation, hence worth a lot more than anyone else could access.

Jan 28, 2010

Partners Apart


"Life does become a little harder without a companion, but worst if a wrong companion."
--- My random realization

After seeing the ups and downs and disasters of relationships in my very own life, I concluded the above. Many argued that you are asking for too much in a companion whereas I stood by my right to living life with the right one. Companionship comes out of ourselves and not out of love/arrange marriage.


We seek the right companionship somewhere in our long list of compromises (moral or immoral). What we tend to forget that if love exists between the two, there is nothing called compromise but more of companionship. And companions never ask for compromise but mutual nourishment and fulfilling lives together.

In recent times, when I have become more observant and empathetic towards people, I see that incompleteness prevails and missing links can be identified easily. I have a strong conviction that if we choose the right person for ourselves, we not only will become better selves but build a better society. It is this missing link that leads many of us towards moral crimes such as infidelity, domestic violence, mentally disturbed generations, and many more.

The dilemma of our generation is that we know the nurturing, fulfillment, and consideration. And there is no harm in it. For a better and long term companionship, we all need to cultivate our partners.

Now the question is why we are unable to land with the right one?

Several reasons can make their place in my mind and that too genuinely. But one tops them all and that is we ourselves choose the wrong one. It is maybe due to our lack of human analysis, poor understanding of our needs in a partner, false belief in promises made by other (in)significant. 

Mankind tends to change as per circumstances and when we face those changes; we realize the blunder we made. So firstly, we need to know what kind of person do we exactly want and what actually makes us happy instead of others.


But wait!

It’s not only us. The society also plays a pivotal role here. Family, extended family, siblings, also mislead us and we fall into the traps. Our elders and peers tend to find life partners on their face values such as education, character, looks, background, job, salary, etc. What about the person himself and his adjustment with the partner? To avoid the after disasters, one needs to look beyond the material stats.

I pity many of those who are entangled in a relationship out of social duty, family respect, and children. In our society it’s near to impossible for a couple to detach if they are parents, despite the several differences they continue to face till end. I agree with this practice because what children have to do with elders’ mistakes. Let’s not punish them.

Each one of us has the religious and social right to choose our life partner and pattern both. Life comes once with all its grace and disgrace, be sure to spend with the one who can save you from the disgrace.

Love is all about having a companion who brings the best out of you; show you yourself that was unknown to you even. It is exactly like finding a pearl beneath the darkest beds of the sea.
Marry your explorer, not detractor!!!!