Selfie Time

Being alone is not being lonely.

This is something I learned 4 years ago when I bought a ticket for Tom Cruise’s new release Knight and Day. Being a foreigner, thousands of miles away from home and stuck up in a hotel room I felt too sad and stepped out for a movie. Before that, I never knew how to watch a movie in the cinema alone followed by dinner as well.

In all honesty, the movie was crap but I was happy as I had nobody to bother me about the story, cast, acting, and the popcorn was all mine. Later in the evening, I scouted through random restaurants checking out menus, specialties, and finally settling for my own rendezvous with Moroccan food.

We meet people every day. Some of them are friends, colleagues and above all, we have a family as well. Hence, being alone for some time is very important. You get to meet yourself and the world around you. You must learn the world and its mechanics. By mechanics, I don’t mean physics, chemistry, or math of earth.  I mean the people, the events, the daily miracles, and a new thing.

When surrounded by people, one can’t make a decision or a choice without being influenced even if it’s as minor as having a Coke or Pepsi. One may end up having water only.

My daily life doesn't even let me hear the traffic sounds because I drive with windows rolled up and music. But whenever possible, I take a walk empty-handed and drop an ear on conversations on my way. I look at couples on bike immersed in conversation, making small laughs, waiting for the red signal to go green without any agitation.

I learned it’s perfectly alright to smile back at strangers just like children do without knowing you.

The world is huge and there are so many people in it with story of their own, environments to explore, even sunsets and sunrise can be different.

Spend time with yourself. You owe it to your mind & body.

When I am alone, I am not lonely. I enjoy the company of my own.

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D for Divorce

Though it’s been a while now I sought divorced, I still keep coming across amusing social norms. Interestingly, they are found not only at home but even the west has its ways to address it.

My first ever amusement was seeing that children after divorce are either considered “issues” or casually called “excess baggage”. I clearly remember how many of those looking-concern aunties told me that am lucky for not having excess baggage with me. I was astonished to know that socially we torment the innocent existence. Wikipedia endorsed my astonishment when I read that Prince William and Prince Harry are not children but “issues” between Diana and Charles.

Almost 3 years ago, when I filed my case I knew am one of those few brave and bold women who dare to initiate this taboo factor. Brave because we know the consequences, and bold because ready to face the world with stigmata. In recent years, Pakistan has seen a high jump in divorce rate after a move made by Muslim Family Courts Amendment Ordinance. Despite, every year the numbers are increasing, we still consider it a taboo and keep hush tones.

In Pakistan, society is above religion and it doesn’t really matter that divorce is allowed by religion. If society considers it a taboo, it is a taboo and you better not challenge it. Though divorces are no more an unusual hearing but still outlawed.

A few days back over the weekend, during a late-night family gossip session, my sister told me that whenever she has to mention the word “divorce” in front of her 9-year-old, she instead use “doctor”. I told her that by now, your son must have known what it is. But her opinion is that “aise alfaaz khule aam istemaal karengay, tau khulay aam hogi” (if we use the word openly, it will happen openly). In short, the word should maintain its forbidden nature.

I fail to understand the shame in being divorced until unless it happened out of a shameful reason. We need to realize that God allows divorce, under severe condition, because He knew that such conditions will be born out of mankind. Unfortunately, mankind is not acceptable as we own small hearts and minds.

Our society tends to ignore the root causes of divorce, instead try to curb it by remaining it a social stigma; a stigma which has a different set of rules for male and female. For this, I need one lengthy post.

I will make sure I teach my children the difference between right and wrong so they know D is Divorce and Doctor both.

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Cast, Creed, and Men

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A few nights back, during a discussion about men, I realized some use-your-common-sense facts and defended my ideology. The conversation included my mother, sister, paternal aunt and me.

Inter-ethnic unions can ensue in lifelong rivalries and expulsion from a family which makes life harder for the girl especially. With all the enlightened moderation Pakistan owns, the people are still not out of the mindsets which compel them to follow culture, not religion.

Argument kicked off when my aunty said that she thinks Punjabi men are not respectful towards women and cannot be good husbands, my mother followed her.  Her conviction is based on what she or many of us Urdu-speaking are instilled with since childhood against the Punjabi, Pathan, Sindhi, and Balochi. And I personally don’t blame them for this because the situation is vice-versa all over Pakistan.

According to my mother, men from tribal or feudal backgrounds don’t consider women human and mistreat them. I countered her by citing examples of so-called sophisticated Mahajir men who have beaten their wives, abused them, and womanize. Both of the women were quite.

I think that even after knowing the truth, we are not courageous enough to defy the system. Men or a woman must not b stereotyped on an ethnic basis. Men are mostly what their mothers make of them.

I have met people from various backgrounds who consider Mahajir men to be more sophisticated than any other ethnicity present in the country. I tend to disagree with them because humans should remain humans instead of being identified from their caste or creed. Baloch man can be as good as any Urdu speaking.

If a man had to be identified by his ethnicity, then am sure, the finest men should be Arabs for Muslims.

Muslims are just too good at denominating themselves into sects and Pakistanis master the division of a nation.

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Partners Apart

"Life does become a little harder without a companion, but worst if a wrong companion."

--- My random realization

After seeing the ups and downs and disasters of relationships in my very own life, I concluded the above. Many argued that you are asking for too much in a companion whereas I stood by my right to living life with the right one. Companionship comes out of ourselves and not out of love/arrange marriage.

We seek the right companionship somewhere in our long list of compromises (moral or immoral). What we tend to forget that if love exists between the two, there is nothing called compromise but more of companionship. And companions never ask for compromise but mutual nourishment and fulfilling lives together.

In recent times, when I have become more observant and empathetic towards people, I see that incompleteness prevails and missing links can be identified easily. I have a strong conviction that if we choose the right person for ourselves, we not only will become better selves but build a better society. It is this missing link that leads many of us towards moral crimes such as infidelity, domestic violence, mentally disturbed generations, and many more.

The dilemma of our generation is that we know the nurturing, fulfillment, and consideration. And there is no harm in it. For a better and long term companionship, we all need to cultivate our partners.

Now the question is why we are unable to land with the right one?

Several reasons can make their place in my mind and that too genuinely. But one tops them all and that is we ourselves choose the wrong one. It is maybe due to our lack of human analysis, poor understanding of our needs in a partner, false belief in promises made by other (in)significant. 

Mankind tends to change as per circumstances and when we face those changes; we realize the blunder we made. So firstly, we need to know what kind of person do we exactly want and what actually makes us happy instead of others.

But wait!

It’s not only us. The society also plays a pivotal role here. Family, extended family, siblings, also mislead us and we fall into the traps. Our elders and peers tend to find life partners on their face values such as education, character, looks, background, job, salary, etc. What about the person himself and his adjustment with the partner? To avoid the after disasters, one needs to look beyond the material stats.

I pity many of those who are entangled in a relationship out of social duty, family respect, and children. In our society it’s near to impossible for a couple to detach if they are parents, despite the several differences they continue to face till end. I agree with this practice because what children have to do with elders’ mistakes. Let’s not punish them.

Each one of us has the religious and social right to choose our life partner and pattern both. Life comes once with all its grace and disgrace, be sure to spend with the one who can save you from the disgrace.

Love is all about having a companion who brings the best out of you; show you yourself that was unknown to you even. It is exactly like finding a pearl beneath the darkest beds of the sea.

Marry your explorer, not detractor!!!!

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